Hard to believe that the festivities are almost upon us. We're already seeing those 30% off sales for Christmas items (kinda like a pre-post-Christmas event).I would think that a lot more families have cut back somewhat from Christmases past, opting for a more "intimate" holiday, than one decked out like there's no tomorrow.
At least the TV viewing for the next 3-4 days will be worthwhile once again.
Almost any and every Christmas movie will be on some station or network somewhere. Radio stations will be doing their "24 hour" gig with Christmas songs (which actually started playing around THANKSGIVING).
I'll admit to only sending out a handful of Christmas cards this year, because at 44 cents a pop for ONE stamp, it doesn't help to make the season bright (financially-speaking). And this comes from a person who came from a family that had Christmas cards taped all the way down the bannister in our house.Mom would always send out close to a HUNDRED cards and get as many in return...but stamps were much cheaper than they are now.
Perhaps you live in an area where you could hear the church carillon playing christmas carols. We had such a church in Philly.
St. Tim's always did that every year, and it was nice to hear in the morning as we opened our gifts.Today, I pretty much hear the strains of some (c)rap "artist" (and I use THAT word VERY loosely) thumping from the trunk of some older POS Cadillac...and it sure as hell ain't playing anything CLOSE to Christmas music. Hell, it's not EVEN music as we would consider it....more like a tribal drumcall to a fertility ceremony (which probably isn't that far from the truth, given the demeanor and procreational frequencies of some of these local aboriginies).
But THAT is what my GREEN and RED laser pointers are for...to shine some Christmas spirit in their faces as they traverse those icy streets when they boom past my house, shaking the tree ornaments and tinsel.
And speaking of "the locals"...here is some Christmas-themed "prose" sure to illicit a smile for many.
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good;
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
And we all had smiles up on our grill.
Lakeisha and BeBe was snug in the crib -
In the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Mom’s in her do-rag and me with my nine,
Had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly;
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
Well anyway.... I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, "Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness."
I said, for real doe, "come check dis out,"
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh;
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat,
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
And sippin' on a 40, he busted a move;
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
He said, "Damn homie, deese rentals is wack!"
"But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz -
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat,
And busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whyd’ya bust my place?"
He said, "You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old;
He dropped down the duffle, Bull’s logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof;
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
Was a loud and hearty..... "SOUTH SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
And here's another bit of musical reality from our part of town...feel free to sing along.The Twelve Days of Crackmas
(h/t to Phil Marx for the "idea")
--On the FIRST day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
A big, fat welfare check
--On the SECOND day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the THIRD day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the FOURTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the FIFTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
FIVE...golden...teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the SIXTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
SIX big-ass woofers...FIVE...golden...teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the SEVENTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
SEVEN stolen pistols, SIX big-ass woofers...FIVE...golden...teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the EIGHTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
EIGHT posse members, SEVEN stolen pistols, SIX big-ass woofer...FIVE...golden...teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the NINTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
NINE tricked out Caddys, EIGHT posse members, SEVEN stolen pistols, SIX big-ass woofers...FIVE...golden...teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the TENTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
TEN Ho's a cribbing, NINE tricked-out Caddys, EIGHT posse members, SEVEN stolen pistols, SIX big-ass woofers...
FIVE...golden...teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the ELEVENTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
ELEVEN warrants pending, TEN ho's a cribbing, NINE tricked-out Caddys, EIGHT posse members, SEVEN stolen pistols, SIX big-ass woofers...
FIVE...golden teeth...
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions, and a big fat welfare check.
--On the TWELFTH day of Crackmas, da gub'ment gave to me...
TWELVE rims a spinning, ELEVEN warrants pending, TEN ho's a cribbing, NINE tricked-out Caddys, EIGHT posse members, SEVEN stolen pistols, SIX big-ass woofers...
FIVE...golden...teeth....
FOUR books of food stamps, THREE grams of cocaine, TWO tax deductions...
And a big...fat...welfare check.
"MurrCrimmus...cracka!"
(as the neighbors would be likely to say)!
Now...get going as one of Santa's helpers and set the DVR for the movies, make sure the dinner goodies have been secured, shovel the walk (if need be), take care driving outside in any bad weather you might encounter, don't run over grandma (with a reindeer OR anything else), take your time, pace yourself, and make sure you have adequate funds with you, and that it is secure on your person.Thieves just LOVE careless people this time of year.
Better to FOCUS on the tasks at hand.
And that includes the parking lots as the stores...
Be sure to LOCK the car up (but NOT with the keys inside), and place any packages already purchased in the trunk or otherwise out of sight. Remember where you parked (that can be a problem in those mega-lots). Don't leave things in the car which could be considered "something of value to others" like CDs, money (change), garage door openers, etc.
I mean the LAST thing you would want is for SOMEONE ELSE to have YOUR Christmas, leaving you with SQUAT, right?So, an ounce of prevention IS worth a pound of cure this time of the rolling year.
And always keep in mind the real reason for the season.
But above all...
Stay safe out there, America.
((tomorrow - some Christmas Eve thoughts and wishes))
11 comments:
OMG what a great blog today! You have missed your calling. SIX big-ass woofers my favorite of all. Love love love it.. Thanks for a smile to start my day. Well more like a big old belly laugh with tears rolling down my cheeks.
Keith:
Thanks for those memories, and may you and yours have a very blessed and MERRY Christmas and a Happy New Year...
Catch 'ya on the flip side!
MSN:
If I had a dime for every time I wa told I should be a COMEDIAN...(I'd have been a lot more "socially-secure"...LOL).
I've been told I have a JEWISH sense of humor (not bad for a Methodist). And that was told to me by friends of the HEBREW faith...!!!
(imagine that)
Perhaps in my NEXT life...?
But hey, as long as every day has ONE smile in it (no matter where or who it coems from)...it's worth getting up for, right?
I just hope I didn't aggravate any condition of yours...but if you're OK...so am I.
I appreciate your kudos.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hilarious! Maybe I should try a less serious approach to my problems and attack them with humor as you have. Here's a nice video to go along with your Crackmas song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fghQsUKNgq0
Merry Cristmas to you and the misses.
Phil:
Oh, when it comes to protecting MY house and family...I'm DEADLY "serious".
(an army of ONE)
I just love to poke good, honest fun at those with nothing at all to call a life (like my "neighbors")...LOL.
LMAO...that "video" sounds JUST like "da hood"...!
Likewise to you...have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS.
(maybe you could swing on past before the schoolkids go back)
Stay safe.
I have one for you:
Nightmare Before Christmas
‘Twas the nightmare before Christmas, when in the House
Pelosi was strutting, like a socialist mouse;
The earmarks were flung in the Reid-cat’s lair,
In hopes that Karl Marx soon would be there.
The Dems all hustled, smug and well-fed,
While visions of elections danced in their heads;
Grandma in her kerchief, clutched grandpa’s cold hand,
As he died quietly, their Medicare banned.
When from the pawns there arose such a clatter,
Reid sprang to his feet, mad as a hatter.
“Tax the poor widow, and take all her cash!
Let ‘em live in the gutters, or you’ll face the lash!”
With a little sneer, so evil and sick,
Satan himself was behind this mean trick.
With more hatred than Engels, his demons they came,
And he shrieked and gloated, and called them by name:
“Now Boxer!, now Dorgan!, now Specter!, and Lincoln!
On Feingold!, on Wyden!, on Murray!, and Nelson!
To the earth, let it scorch, make America fall!
Take their cash away, cash away, cash away, all!”
As dry leaves before a hurricane of lies,
They wish all patriots surely would die.
So on to the House, and that evil crew,
Went their bill full of toys, and Karl Marx, too.
And I had an inkling it wasn’t a goof,
The pacing and snarling of Harry the wolf.
Before I could keep my retirement safe,
Comrade Obama said “You’re way too late.”
He wore an expensive suit, from his neck to his foot;
His clothes were paid with criminals’ loot.
A bundle of laws he lashed to my back,
And smirked like a crooked political hack.
The ‘hope’, how it twinkled, the promises so merry,
But ‘change’ in big doses, the dollar can’t parry.
His evil plan was way too far to go,
Imposing slavery on the average Joe.
With tip of a cup, I sipped some tea,
And smoke came from his ears as he scowled at me.
He knew I wasn’t buying what he was selling,
“It’s freedom’s scent I’d rather be smelling.
“‘Tween the Dems and patriots, there’s a great gulf,
America’s truth is greater than yourself.
The elders and babies you’d rather see dead,
But on election day this will come to a head!”
They spoke many words, and acted like jerks,
Greedily gathering Congressional perks,
Controlling the Senate and our people’s House,
But November 2nd we’ll be rid of every louse.
We’ll waken that day, and give a loud whistle,
And the world will see an American epistle,
How evil is vanquished, gone from our sight,
Scrubbed clean by the Tea Party’s bright new light!
:)
Jana:
Thanks for posting this...I "ALMOST" did that one, and I'm glad you picked up the ball and ran with it...
TOUCHDOWN!
LOL...!
Thanks for stopping by.
I'll have the 12 days of crackmas in my head when I hear the song now, and the above poem was great. No snow here, we have the AC on today
Diane:
the AC???
Wow...the closest I can come is a "balmy" 40 degrees in the old DETACHED garage (thanks to an oil-filled radiator)...LOL.
(but you have to admit THAT would be nice, even in FLORIDA!)
The house is toasty, but the weather outside is (going to be) frightful...
sleet...then heavy rain later, followed by more freezing and some snow...
The 12 days/Crackmas is one of "those songs" that just won't go away...but at least you'll think about my neighborhood now...LOL.
Thanks for stopping by.
i like the song about santa in a hurry to tap some fat azz.......lol
LI:
Glad that Christmas can bring a smile to those of us in 'da hood"...
ANd even to those who can understand what we deal with...
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Thanks for stopping by.
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