23 December 2006

Down To The Wire....

OK, so you've put OFF shopping for whatever reason, and NOW you've got hardly ANY time left to get all those things you've meaning to do....done. SO, what is a person to do, you ask?


Well, you could just get up and go out and SHOP...but then, you'd have to contend with all the OTHER last-minute people who are just as pissed off being out today as YOU are, and we know how well SHORT TEMPERS and DRIVING mix, don't we?

You can always take back roads, listen to some soothing Christmas music, and even smile while driving, which in and of itself might get you pulled over by the police (who the hell SMILES while driving around TWO days before Christmas...must have just stolen something)...
If it seems that the missus (or significant other) is giving you the "fish-eye" for what you think is NO good reason, here are the top ten reasons for procrastination in regards to Christmas shopping...feel free to use any (or ALL) of them if needed:
Just be sure to NEVER use them ALL at once...

* * * * * *

10) - Sorry honey....I was just watching that Victoria's Secret show for the TWENTIETH time to MAKE sure I got that "special" thing I want to see YOU wearing....!

9) - I wasn't sleeping, I was giving the inside of my eyelids a THOROUGH examination....

8) - I JUST got done washing and waxing the car...and it SURE looks like it's going to rain or snow to ME....

7) - I thought YOU were supposed to go shopping today....I didn't want to see what YOU were buying.

6) - Hey, 'ya know....no matter HOW many times I see IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.....I STILL like Sheldon Leonard as the bartender!

5) - Don't sweat it, dear....lots of stores will STILL be open late on Christmas Eve....

4) - You haven't told me what YOU want yet.....yeah, I know Christmas is tomorrow, but my name isn't KRESKIN.

3) - Isn't our son (or daughter) old enough to drive YET???

2) - I'd much rather watch a bunch of tall OVERPAID, tattooed men in ill-fitting satiny shorts and "wife beater" shirts toss a ball into a hoop than fight ALL those other last-minute shoppers, dear, and NO, I'm NOT gay...why do you ask?

And the number ONE reason.....
1) - Isn't that OUR CAR driving away from our house with a gold-toothed man in a Santa outfit??
* * * * * *

So there you are.....ways to evade those caustic questions.
But remember...if you have to get shopping....the clock IS winding down....so get yer ass in gear!!!

And DON'T cop out and grab a handful of "gift cards" you lazy bum!

2 comments:

Tim Zank said...

Bob, you're killin' me!! Hilarious stuff!

Merry Christmas!

JR said...

too funny....knew there was a reason why I am NOT married!!!

Seriously though, tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I will be finishing up then, I have my list of what I still need to get.

I have been on a couple of shopping trips with a friend of mine in the past week and I have had a blast working on his list with him, its not like we have accomplished a lot either time, but we had so much fun it was the best holiday present I could have gotten....I know, weird....but we had fun nonetheless.

Have a very Merry Holiday!