Groundhog Day....A "New" Diplomacy?

Every year, on the same day, we have this "quasi-festive / quasi-celebratory" ocassion. Mr. Groundhog (usually Punxatawney Phil) gets rousted (read dragged the hell out) from his warm and cozy "den" by some top-hatted human with gloved hands, is thrust into an area that has more KLIEG LIGHTING than that island where Indiana Jones watched the Nazis open the Ark of the Covenant, is held up for all to see, and a proclamation is made whether or not "he" SEES his shadow. This is to confirm when the advent of Spring will occur (allegedly).

First, let me state that if ANYONE EVER woke me in THAT manner, especially before sun-up, they'd be missing some (critical) body parts!

Second, with THAT much lighting on his furry ass, if he CAN see at all (his retinas are probably burned the hell out), AND doesn't wind up spontaneously combusting from the HEAT, he'll most likely see about THIRTY shadows...which, if we are to interpret this portent "correctly", would mean we're all headed for another frigging ICE AGE by next Tuesday.

I've been doing some "clandestine" work, and I've noticed that not all of these cute critters are going to stand for this yearly invasion of their domicile ANY longer! Confirmed sources have discovered that a cadre of groundhogs (with obvious ties to the volverine and weasel clans) have secured certain "unobtainable" ordinance to defend their territory. Where the money has come from to fund this venture is anyone's guess at this point. What this person has noticed is increased activity along specific plots of ground in or near woodland areas.

This photo was taken from a covert camera, mounted inside a dented Fresca can placed nearby. Clearly we can see these groundhogs have acquired some SERIOUS "Whoop-Ass"! Since we have no true idea of their numbers, we can only surmise this "cell" is but one of many, spread across the fields of this nation. NO evidence of WMDs has been uncovered, and it is believed that none exist. Special Forces units HAVE confirmed to finding caches of various nuts buried close by their "den", and have uplinked the GPS coordinates. Since these groundhogs have initiated NO action of their own, it can be determined that they will retaliate ONLY IF provoked.
The US has sent an envoy to various woodland areas in an attempt to negotiate with these grounghogs. Preliminary talks do look promising, as the envoy has stated that "All they want...is to be left the hell alone on February 2nd". America is not seeking sanctions OR any overt military repsonse at this time, and is willing to "live and let live" unless the scenario changes drastically.

As to the impact this will have on future global weather conditions (six more weeks of winter or not) no one is saying at this point. Al Gore has been rumored to be quite agitated over the whole thing, as receipts for his movie on global warming will suffer greatly after today. We are hoping the Weather Channel will play some part in these negotiations with the groundghogs. And we have every confidence that a speedy, non-violent solution will be found. Elements of the 82nd Airborne will be on stand-by for the next 24 hours, just in case the talks fail.

It's called....Just let the little buggers SLEEP, for Christ's sake!

Global warming?...
6 weeks of winter?...
Wake me in MAY, will ya?

((Now stop smiling, and get back to work....!))