Rules For The Rurals (doesn't matter which way the compass points)
1. Pull your saggy pants UP. You look like an IDIOT !
(or like you didn't quite finish that crap you were taking).
2. Turn your cap around right, your head ain't crooked.
(and you just can't be a catcher for a major ball club).
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "DIRT road." I drive a pickup truck because I WANT to. No matter HOW damn slow you drive, you're ARE going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are called cows & hogs. That's why they SMELL LIKE CRAP to you.They smell like MONEY to us. Get over it. Don't like it? ODD number highways go North - South; EVEN number ones go East - West. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have a $250,000 harvester that is driven ONLY 4 weeks a year!!!
6. So every person out here in the country waves. It's called BEING FRIENDLY.
Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves or ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish in the south. You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner BAIT SHOP!
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age, religion, or ethnicity. We call it being COURTEOUS and POLITE.
You might want to try THAT too.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Real chili never met a tomato!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important out here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a damn sight better to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education PLUS a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
17. We have MORE folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So do NOT mess with us. If you do, you WILL get whipped by the best.
So there 'ya go...all you need to know about being out in "The Country" and AWAY from urban antagonisms, should you ever decide to take a drive to nowhere on a nice Sunday.
It's not about "those" people from Deliverance.....it's about DECENT people, period...(but what the hell..bring the guitar anyway, just in case there's an impromptu jam session on someone's porch...LOL)!
1 comment:
Glad you liked it! ^_^
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