Closer Than You Think...

We've still got about 80-some days until CHRISTMAS (what...already?), and one would think the stores are too busy with HALLOWEEN to bother...

Think AGAIN.

K-Mart has ALREADY set up their "seasonal" area, replete with pre-lit trees, ornaments galore, and the yearly Christmas Bear they have produced since the early 90s. Now I don't know about YOU, but it's nice to think of that time of year...even in early October. It takes away from all the crap we read and hear about daily. So we're not going to be bitching THAT much in this post.

With ALL the recalls and lead paint problems from CHINA (the seemingly ONLY supplier of every frigging toy in creation these days), it might become problematic when selecting that "special" toy for the kids this year. But never fear, as I've come across some items I found (made HERE in the USofA) that I'm sure will please the kid in ALL of us, no matter what age.

For the youngsters:

The Anti-Predator Happy Ball:

It works for hamsters, so why NOT for kids? Keep your child safe from sexual predators as they roll their way to school, the corner store, around the house, or just to have fun with the other kids in the block also in their happy ball. And don't worry if they roll into the street. These devices can withstand a 25 MPH impact. I knew they'd find a use for all those things from American Gladiator.

For the girls:

Britney Doll:

Comes with court orders denying custody of the children (sold separately), will gain weight when you "feed" her, has trouble dancing to old routines, and has her very own sports car (with pop-off fenders for all those nasty accidents with people who won't get out of her way). Also comes with 3 wigs to cover the shaved head. Not to be confused with the Lindsay Lohan revolving door rehab center playset.

Rachel Ray Hells Kitchen Playset:

Imagine the possibilities when your young daughter not ONLY becomes a culinary master, but can tell everyone to just "()@%&@$% bugger off" in the process (including YOU, mom). Comes with white chef's smock and hat with assorted guest stars to cook for, as well as simulated steel prep area, assorted plastic knives and play food to toss at everyone. Hours of enjoyment for the entire family...and maybe a meal or two in the mix. Bugger off and buy one before they're all gone.

Paris Hilton Doll:

Doesn't really DO anything (just like the real thing - how lifelike is THAT?), but DOES come with a Martha Stewart-inspired prison jumpsuit and small dog (that barks until the batteries run down).

Hillary Clinton "Da Prez" Figure:

Push HER button, and she says over 20 statements, most of them contradictory, designed to cheese off anyone, Democrat OR republican. Comes with Bill Clinton figure and sax. I have a feeling this one will only become a collector's item.

And for the boys....

Liberal Politician Action Figures:

Now your son can make like the "big boys" with this set of senators and congressmen designed to encourage creative playtime. Just fire up the SMOKE generator and set up the funhouse MIRRORS (both included with 2AAA batteries) around him and listen to the microchip say over 50 phrases designed to encourage government spending like there's no tomorrow. Collect them ALL.

Easy-Make Ethanol Plant:

We've taken the old CHEMISTRY set one step further. Now your son can become his OWN alternative-fuel making company with this little gem. Comes complete with all the items he will need to make a pint of ethanol that he can sell (to you, his parents) for a profit. Imagine the hours he'll spend pouring canned corn into the hopper and with the help of the 40 watt bulb (included), in less than an hour, he'll be spewing ethanol faster than you can say EXXON SUCKS. And if he enjoys THAT, he's sure to love the Easy-Make Soybean Bio-Diesel Fuel Center, complete with government-sponsored land grab and tax abatement.

GM Auto Plant Playset:

This reminds one of the old ARMY MAN and COWBOY sets we had as kids, but it goes one step further - it is all automated (some assembly required). Just plug in the powerpack (included) and watch the robotic arms build one of several models of gas-guzzling vehicles YOU design (can be adapted for use with the Ethanol Plant above). This playset is a large 15x15 feet square and can be made even bigger with accessory packs (sold separately), and has over one hundred "employee" figures (complete with picket signs and burn barrel) that you can place out FRONT of the plant as they strike for better health care benefits.

Border Patrol Shoot 'Em Up:

This includes a 5 foot length of southern border, complete with fence, patrol vehicles, fake shrubs and "tunnels" underneath. It also comes with a clip-fed rifle that fires nerf bullets, designed to "take out" those illegals whenever they pop their heads up from one of 5 different tunnel openings when trying to illegally enter OUR country..

It's Whack-A-Mole all over again...but with tons of fun, and a lot more ATTITUDE....!

Simon Rios Death Penalty Playset:

Let your child's imagination think "What If?" with this playset that comes with all the things you need to put a societal monster to death (and not by old age). An electric chair, complete with "shaking action" and smoke-effects, a gallows with real neck-snapping sounds, and a gas chamber with imitation green "gas" that fills it....There's even a LETHAL INJECTION chamber with smiling witness figures. YOU decide the BEST way to rid humanity of a person like this. I'll bet it'll be hard to get THIS away from the parents to let Johnny play with it! (Plea-bargaining prosecutor sold separately).

As for me...all I want for Christmas is a RAP4 P99 paintball marker pistol. This .43 caliber CO2-powered, ten-shot pistol is the latest in paintball tech, and is a spitting image of the gun James Bond uses. And it's priced right at under $200. It also fires .43 caliber RUBBER BALLS at between 250-350 FPS (and that will sting like hell). Not to mention, it's going to make a DAMN fine way to "tag" all those annoying vehicles (or people) in MY part of town...BWAHAHAHA.

(("Yeah, officer, the car that came by here with the loud-ass stereo is the one with all the PINK paintball splotches on it...make it easier for you guys to find"))

Yeah...there ARE lots of good toys for the kids today. And every one of these is designed with your CHILD in mind. It spurs creative thinking, and doesn't just plop them in front of the TV to play HALO 3 on their X-BOX until they gain 50 lbs and their thumbs fall off.

But better hurry, I hear these toys are gonna be hard to find...really hard.