10 December 2008

Humpday Happenings...
There are a few stories of note that definitely require a "delicate" touch this morning (about as delicate as a wrecking ball), so let's have at it.
--First off, what's a person to do when they happen to see a 350 pound TIGER roaming around Albion, Indiana?
Well, after you've done about 5 double-takes, and pinch yourself to see if YOU are indeed AWAKE, you notify someone...ANYone.
Seems that INDIA, an 18 year old Bengal Tiger, (not to be confused with a Siberian tiger - the stripes ARE different, trust me), who was described as a "sweet cat that loves to be around people", and has been at the Black Pine Animal Park since she was 2 weeks old, apparently decided to take a walk outside of her pen yesterday afternoon. They say the tiger "escaped" (or EXcaped, if you live in MY part of the city...just axe anyone down here...LOL), But considering how this turns out, I'd say it's more like she took a "daily constitutional" off the grounds of the park; a casual stroll as it were.
You only escape if you are:
a) A prisoner of some sort.
b) In dire jeopardy and fear for your life
c) Harry Houdini (or the reincarnation of).
d) Are a normal person living on the SOUTH side of Ft. Wayne.
Now, given those 4 basic criteria, let's just say that India wanted to get out and meet the world.
Well that, and the fact that a keeper left the GATE open.
After searching for the cat until 2200 hrs, local authorities called the search off for the evening. After several spottings, several "tranq darts" were shot at the cat, but had no effect (I'd say someone needs to sharpen their shootin' skills...come down to MY neighborhood).
Yet, after all this, lo and behold, in typical holiday fashion just after midnight, India passed the perimeter gate at the park and was shortly thereafter coaxed back into her pen.
Said Lori Gagen, executive director of the park: "She did exactly what we hoped she would do. This is the best outcome we could have had. We're very, very, VERY relieved". (and so are people with bad hearts in the area)
Now I'm a sucker for happy endings, and this fills the bill. Looks like Guardian Angels CAN have FOUR legs as well as two.
Merry Christmas, India.
-- The Indiana BMV is telling us NOT to smile when we get our photo license pictures taken.
AAAAALLLLLLLLrighty, then.
Leo Morris touched on this the other day on his blog, and after the past two days of video assaults during every newscast (locally) about it, I have to weigh in.
It's NO BIG DEAL...got it?
It's only a stupid picture (that's taken as badly as one can possibly do with a camera).
The BMV is using "facial recognition" software to stem the tide of ID theft (good idea), and they say that smiling can distort the software results, producing people that don't look like themselves. Hell, you want to see THAT, go to any funeral...talk about NOT looking like oneself.
Having worked for the Feds, I can say that this technology works damn well, as does the thumbprint ID, and the retinal scanning.
Besides, when you consider that any officer that just pulled you over for running that light because YOU were in a damn hurry, the LAST thing you're going to be is "jovial", and you sure aren't gonna feel much like SMILING, especially when that $100+ ticket is handed to you with the obligatory "Have a nice day" from that officer, are you?. Hell no.
So why try to fool an officer with a license that has you grinning like a Cheshire cat when all HE/SHE can see in real time is some pissed off light-runner behind the wheel?
Some people claim they "just smile all the time". Really? REALLY?
Try living in MY neighborhood for a few weeks, and see how damn fast that smile of yours take a LONNNNG vacation!
And then there's our former mayor, Paul Helmke, that has that "Mr. Sardonicus" smile perpetually plastered across his puss. Dad always said never trust a person that smiles TOO much. Bet HE doesn't get it on the "first try". Better get used to taking a BUS, Paul (and bring a gun..you might need it)!
Like I say, I've no problem with NOT smiling for the license photo. Not much to smile about anyway when going to the BMV.
1) I'm being charged too much for this "privilege".
2) I have to be in a room with 30 people that should NOT be driving as it is.
3) I hate hearing 30 conversations from people on cellphones bitching about the BMV.
I tend to gravitate to the "Clint Eastwood School of Scowling" myself...get that one eye WAY open...and twitching it just a tad works for me.
I also like the "I am the right-hand-of-God" stare. Give those that see your license something to think (or worry) about.
And I do so enjoy the "Spec-Ops Thousand Yard Stare" look. The one that screams "Yeah, I've been in the field too long, but I love the job of taking out the enemy, so what are you going to do about it?"
Just some things to consider the next time YOU have to renew.
All I want from this is to have the perp that "might" get my license to drop it like a hot potato and run screaming from the scene (and the state).
Thanks, Indiana, BMV...you've made MY job a lot easier!
--Lastly, the city voted 5-4 in favor of this "light ordinance" aka the "Glare Law" (another toothless law, much like the NOISE ordinance), that basically states that lighting will violate the ordinance if it causes glare FIVE FEET inside a neighbor's property.
WTF???
I can't control luminescence any more than I can control the damn weather...or the friggin air, or loud-ass noise, so what the hell are these dimbulbs (pun intended) thinking? If my lighting possibly spills over onto other properties (as does STREET LIGHTING, morons), that's going to be so much "Tough $hit", people. And if anyone thinks I will take down ANY lighting I currently have, they are SADLY mistaken.
Now I know this law doesn't really target me (that's what the neighbors that hate me taking pictures of them when THEY break the law are for), but fair should always be fair. Sorry...not seeing it with this new "law".
Granted there are the Clark Griswolds out there that have more lights burning than Con-Ed, and the law is meant for them, but this is more red tape that will filter into the legal system that doesn't need to be there.
Then again, if people were a lot more CONSIDERATE...we wouldn't NEED the law. Or if they were less CRIMINAL in their activities, we wouldn't need light to brighten our properties, acting as a deterrent to such behavior.
Case in point...
What are some of the most BRIGHTLY-LIT properties in ANY city?
Answer: FUNERAL PARLORS.
Which properties are rarely (if ever) robbed?
Answer: FUNERAL PARLORS.
Seems like someone's got the right idea with all that lighting...
(note to self: Next house will be a former Funeral Parlor)
Yet, in MY part of town, where even your GARDEN GNOME is packing heat, ANY house can become a funeral parlor.
But that's another post for another day.
Have a good midweek crisis...you've earned it.

2 comments:

indy said...

good post. i agree with just about everything. and that's rare for me with anyone. keep up the blog please.

Bob G. said...

Roger that, Indy!

B.G.