Tales From the SouthSide...
Normally, I'd spend this time covering stories of note, but today, I think I'm going to "change" things up a bit.
After all, variety IS the spice of life, is it not?
But before I get into some "change you CAN believe in", let's briefly visit a few stories of "note", such AS last evening's Presidential press conference.
-- Yes, friends, a PRESS CONFERENCE is when questions are asked of the President, and he responds with answers off the top of his head, because he's informed, knowledgeable, has been reading all his staff reports AND has been cribbing notes (mental or written) from those briefings.
Last night was certainly NOT THAT MANY of the above.
What we had INSTEAD, was a waste of good air time.
What we had INSTEAD was only THIRTEEN QUESTIONS, pre-screened and by specified reporters with teleprompter answers.
I mean the name Mr. Roboto takes on a whole new meaning now, doesn't it? Helluva talking head.
Now I WILL give the President one saving grace; he IS rather cool, calm and collected about this. He's got a smooth demeanor, but that is lost in the contrived manner in which this televised "event" was brought to us.
The word SCRIPTED comes to mind. It could not have been better orchestrated if Ron Howard wrote the screenplay, John Williams did the background music, and Stephen King did the novel!
I kept looking, but I didn't see anyone's hand up the President's back as he spoke...now that is some GOOD Special effects!
But with over and done with, maybe we can get to tasks more AT HAND, like preserving our DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC...'ya think?
-- All this flap over Arlen Spector jumping parties (when I thought he liked to jump political sharks) is somewhat DESERVED.
I never thought much of him when I lived in Pennsy, and I think the same of him living in Indiana. He IS one thing above all else...a SURVIVOR. I'd hate to be on the island with HIM during a challenge. And we thought the late LON CHANEY was the man of a THOUSAND FACES!
I say good...let Spector be the problem of the democrats, not that I'm a Republican...I'm neither.
I'm not swayed by ideology or by political affiliation and rhetoric.
I will say that Spector should be the NEW poster child for TERM LIMITS.
-- Interesting thing I heard on the police scanner last evening. Two TEENS were arrested for outstanding warrants (failure to appear) in connection with a citation issued for WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!!!
That blew me the f*ck A-WAY!
And here I thought Internal Affairs shunned such policies by the local police.
I mean it "could" be construed as being racially BIASED, simply because too many blacks DO walk in the street, when a perfectly GOOD SIDEWALK is mere inches AWAY.
Hey, maybe it was a "rookie mistake" issuing that citation, and after a reprimand, all will be forgiven, and the kids can go BACK to being a traffic hindrance....the way it's (apparently) MEANT to be down on the SOUTH side of the city.
OR...we could be seeing a new "era" in community-oriented policing.
And with that, it's time to segue into something I like to call:
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF FORT WAYNE IF....
So keep the coffee away from the keyboard, and keep the Windex handy for the monitor...you might just need it.
You just KNOW you live on the SOUTH side of Fort Wayne if:
-Your pistol is always next to the salad fork at the dinner table.
-You have NOWHERE to shop...BUT everywhere else.
-You receive OVER 350 wrong numbers asking for "Ray's Snackbar".
-You weigh your words carefully when using "crack" and "house" in the same sentence.
-A YIELD sign means "keep going", & a through street means "come to a complete stop".
-You have a liquor store within walking distance, no matter WHERE you live.
-Memorial Day doesn't honor the dead...it WAKES them UP due to the loud music.
-You see more CORN-ROWS than ROWS OF CORN in the community gardens.
-You can piss off people in the area JUST by being WHITE ...and BREATHING.
-You know all the X-rated lyrics from the latest rap songs you hear TWO blocks away.
-You value your "concealed-carry" permit MORE than your driver's license.
-You greet almost everyone by pointing an index finger at them and going "bang".
-You're one of a VERY few on your block that ACTUALLY OWNS a house, furniture, AND a car.
-Your neighborhood is becoming the "Sam's Club" of illegal drugs.
-There is ONE lawnmower that is driven around in someone's trunk to cut everyone else's lawn.
-You live by 3 rules: Get up. Survive. Go to Bed.
-The good news in your area is that the HOMICIDE rate is lower than last year.
-The bad news is that all the people that NEEDED to be shot....weren't.
-You find a way to wear your gun in the SHOWER.
-Your insurance agent calls to see if you "need" more coverage.
-You see more TEAM LOGO wear on your STREET than at an ALL STAR game.
-The USPS is looking into "up-armoring" their mail trucks.
-Getting a "neighbor" to shut up means cuffing their hands behind them.
-City code won't allow a permit for you to dig a MOAT around your house.
-Community-Oriented Policing to YOU means becoming a vigilante.
-A Bradley Fighting Vehicle would make a great "second" car.
-You "Shop with a cop" because it's safer than doing it any other way.
-DUB refers to a set of wheels and NOT an audio recording term.
-The basement of your house has been converted to a fortified gun emplacement.
-A SINGLE rental tenant will inexplicably become FIVE people after a month.
-You're getting to know the sector police officers on a FIRST-NAME basis.
-House arrest means the DOG is wearing the ankle bracelet as a collar.
-You ask the police department if they have any "ex" K-9 dogs available to a good home.
-Your area is a "high-crime" area only because there are NO donut shops.
-Someone stole your gazing ball, and then tried to DRIBBLE it down the street.
-A neighbor moves next to a PIG FARM because it's BETTER than THIS neighborhood.
-Ghetto-opoly is your favorite board game.
And...finally:
-An episode of COPS is being filmed ON YOUR LAWN...at 2 AM.
So, there you have it. See all the "fun" you're missing by NOT living down here?
I mean who NEEDS a new ballpark, or even the 3 Rivers Festival when you have all THIS stuff going down...DAILY, hmm?
And if you ever get bored, you can always toss sticks at dead bodies in Reservoir park, like some kids were doing last night, or toss a rock at a robin trying to snag a worm for her chicks.
You can hang out front of the rental crib, smoke a doobie, and not worry about getting busted (until I take a picture of you and forward it to the FWPD). You can boom down the street at 4AM and not get bothered (except when I shine that laser or spotlight into your car window and light up your damn dashboard).
Yes sir...never a dull moment. And people ask WHY I stay here...silly question.
For the TARGET PRACTICE...what else?
Plus, I like to pursue something called NATURAL JUSTICE.
But you'd have to ask Judge Roy Bean or Frank Castle about that.
So, take it easy today, and always...
Stay safe out there, America.