13 March 2007

To Drive...Perchance To Dream...

There are classic cars, vintage cars, and futuristic cars. There are cars from the movies, cars from TV, and cars from literature (Christine WAS first a NOVEL). There are high performance machines, tricked-out rides, and restored cars from eras gone by. So...what do YOU drive...and what would you RATHER be driving?

I've always been a little "Car Crazy", as Barry Meguire would say. From little on up, I could tell you what a car's model and year was (that would be from the mid-50s on). I remember the DeSotos, Packards, Edsels, and even the diminuitive Willys. I can still remember when fins when they were ALL the rage from Caddys down to Buicks and Chevys. I recall the muscle car years, complete with 'Cudas, Challengers, GTOs, Mustangs, Chargers, 442s, Road Runners, and even the (lowly) AMX. If the Beach Boys sang about it...we loved it.

But today, well, there's just not that much out there. All the concept cars look like rejects from some sci-fi "B" movie (more like an "F" movie) with very FEW exceptions. The "art" of automobiles is missing from decades past. Most of these "new" cars are nothing short of "retreads" of older models (or are cookie-cutter versions of one another)...like the concept Camaro (not bad) and the T-bird (which hasn't sold all that well).

Be honest... what self-respecting young boy hasn't thought of driving that Aston-Martin DB5 from Goldfinger, eh? Come on now...you really WANTED to give someone that oil-slick...or tire shredders when they cut you off, didn't 'ya? I'll bet you wish you had those front-mounted machine guns too, right? And when the wife tells you about the turn you missed, it'd be nice to hit that ejection seat button....just for $hits and grins...you KNOW it would. Actually, when it comes to quintessential automobility, Bond (James Bond) has got it over EVERYONE. Nice to know all that UK tax money is being put into SOMETHING worthwhile.

But that was on the big screen, as was the Michael Keaton Batmobile...still the best version EVER. It looks every bit as though someone stuck fins and wheels on a damn jet engine....nice and sinister. And it was a shame to see that T-Bird convertible go over the cliff at the end of Thelma and Louise. Then there was the refitted Caddy Ambulance used in Ghostbusters, and those flying police cars in Blade Runner. For serious downtown driving, I did like that APC from Aliens 2. And Steve McQueen's dark green Mustang fastback was about the COOLEST car to have back in the late '60s, especially when chasing bad guys through Frisco!

I do have to hand it to the small-screen treatment of motor vehicles however...some of the best (and coolest) rides have been found on TV (with the exception of Doc Brown's DeLorean from the BTTF series...lol)! We had the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard (they hold meets every year for clone owners), VIPER (short-lived but a fun show), the Chrysalis from M.A.N.T.I.S.(another short run show), The Black Beauty from The Green Hornet, the Monkeemobile, the Munster cars, Starsky's Torino, the (original) Batmobile ("atomic batteries to power...turbines to speed"...you just gotta LOVE that talk), the A-Team van, Magnum's Ferrari 308 GTS, Miami Vice's Ferrari Daytona Spyder, and one of my favorites...the Knight Industries 2000, commonly known as KITT from KNIGHT RIDER. Sure the show (itself) was hokey as the day was long, and the acting wonderfully bland, but the CAR was worth sitting through a hour of Hasselhoff...and there WAS that catchy theme music.

It was bullet-proof (standard ammo of course), could easily do 200MPH, could park itself (we now have cars that can do that, btw), tint it's own windows (a novel idea...we have the tech), could jump obstacles (a must in downtown traffic or for passing a whitehead on the interstate), could monitor the driver's vital functions (too drunk to drive?...just hit the AUTO-CRUISE mode), had an onboard laser system, not to mention it could locate anything anywhere anytime (before GPS even). It had infrared and motion sensing capabilities too. And I NEVER saw it stop at a gas station to "fill up"....amazing! To me, it was the perfect car (or pretty damn close), even if it DID have William Daniels voice ( I have this nightmare about BOY MEETS CAR...lol )! The "evil" version of KITT (aptly named KARR) wasn't too shabby either, and in some respects, I liked that one just a tad better. Hey, it could help you get some "quick cash", right? And if programmed the right way, it could all but ELIMINATE crime in any city...now THAT...is entertainment!

Maybe that's why I bought a black 1983 Firebird....think of it as a vicarious thing (and the price was right for a new car back then, too). After all these years, it's like another "member of the family"....be damn hard to part with it. So, in the world of affordable REALITY, this is *my* dream car. I have to ROLL DOWN my own windows, lock my OWN doors, and plot my OWN routes...none of that "ubertech" for me. And as far as the internal computer...well, let's say it's like a 386 with Windows 3.1 compared to the Intel chips today...and I'm not bothered one damn bit. It runs well, doesn't owe me anything, and does what it was designed for (not to mention it has one of the LOWEST drag coefficients on the planet for a production car..to this day)!

My "other" (fantasy) dream car would have to be a Bondmobile (Keaton's Batmobile could NEVER fit into the garage...LOL)...but only the Aston-Martins or (maybe) the BMWs. Since I don't live near ANY of the three rivers here, I don't really NEED a "submersible" Lotus Esprit. The Vanquish is a nice car, but (like MOST Bond cars) gets lousy mileage...we'd have to seriously work on that. I don't need that huge V-12 either...my little 2.8 liter V-6 works well in the Firebird, thank you. The Mercedes series of SLKs are beautiful machines, but again, not good on mileage and about as heavy as a '65Ford Galaxie (and you better have a healthy bank account to maintain it)! Chalk that up to German tank-like quality.

Now there are those who would say "Why have all this new-fangled onboard hardware...it's just a damn CAR?" To that I would reply, that with road rage all the thing these days, the best defense is a damn good offense. And one can "offend" quite well (when the need arises) with fantasy cars such as these. But hey, I don't even have a CUP-HOLDER in my car...don't NEED one. I thought that's what SPORTS-BOTTLES were for (the non-spill thing)? In reality though, a nice "mint" 1969 Mustang fastback GT350 or GT500 (or even the "timid" Mach1) would be THE car for me...not much in the "frills" department, just good solid balls to the walls driveablity and dependability. And yeah, I'd love to have a nice '58 Impala S/S 2 door...who wouldn't?

With cars fueled solely by gasoline becoming an eventual anachronism, it begs the questiion: "What's next?" Personally, I'm all for this (GM) "skateboard" idea...have a car chassis with all the guts inside it, then place whatever BODYSTYLE you want on top of it...case closed. That would work for even all the classic cars, if retrofitted properly. Or we could go into the petrochemical business and whip up some gas for personal use, like the moonshiners used to do with corn liquor. I guess all that equipment will be getting REAL cheap in the near future, eh?

Are hybrids the "new wave"? I think not. They're merely a stop-gap until Hydrogen tech comes along. So everyone that has a hybrid will have to "trade-up"....like they're doing with computers (weekly it seems), or TVs, or phone systems. It's their master plan, so get used to it.
I still prefer that GM concept for changeable bodystyles....very intriguing. And it's got me thinking.

Be nice to take the old Firebird's body, slap it on an electric skateboard chassis, and drive (quietly) into the sunset....humming that (damn) Knight Rider theme.

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