Breaking News...

If having an erstwhile "santa" hold up a motel near Bloomington, Indiana (with a gun no less) "for his kids" , and make off with a mere $30 in the process wasn't bad enough, we have this news item hot off the"wire":

Santa Claus (the REAL one) has been arrested under the USA Patriot Act II after people reported a heavily bearded man flying in a "sleigh" last night around the rooftops of Washington DC suburban neighborhoods, 3 miles from the White House. This a violation of governmental airspace in or near the nation's capital. Although two F-16s were scrambled to intercept, they did not engage this "bogey", but escorted it back to Andrews AFB, where Mr. Claus was placed in custody.

--Mr. Claus is currently being held at an undisclosed maxsec detention center somewhere near Quantico, Virginia, until his true nationality can be verified. An undisclosed source said in a confidential interview that they had heard this man was "making a list", and supposedly checking it twice. Whether or not this was a basis for a terrorist cell investigation remains to be seen.

--While NSA operatives found NO weapons of mass destruction on board Mr Claus's "sleigh", they DID find the aforementioned list while conducting a search of Mr. Claus's "aircraft" (which is rumored to be headed to Area 51 for further study early next month). On the list were found names (from every country) in two columns, labelled NAUGHTY and NICE. If this is a "code", the cryptology division of the CIA has yet to decipher it, but the names are nevertheless being cross-checked through AFIS.

--The FBI has stated that "The fact that Mr. Claus is NOT a U.S. national has no bearing on the investigation whatsoever". Unconfirmed reports suggest he will be charged with multiple offenses, including: flying an unlicensed/unregistered/experimental aircraft without a permit in secured American airspace, promoting religious fanaticism through festival symbolism, mass hysteria, and bribery of minors. The last offense will most surely place Mr. Claus on the National Sex Offender list, due to his alleged "rapport" with children.
--The United States Customs and Border Protection (USCBP) and the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) have also brought charges against Santa Claus. USCBP is also working in conjunction with the IRS, charging him for evading the importation tax law by failing to declare goods (toys) allegedly claimed as 'gifts'. They are also confiscating these items until their safety can be fully established, due to the recent spate of lead-based paint items coming into this country. The USDA as well as the DNR has referred to the endangered species act and charged him with illegal trafficking of protected animals (reindeer) with failure to license and properly inoculate said animals.

--To add insult to injury, The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) AND PETA are suing him for cruelty to the reindeer by forcing wingless animals to fly. The reindeer are to be quarantined to see if any foreign viruses or pandemics are exhibited by the animals, such as Mad Cow Disease or the Bird flu, as per a directive from the CDC.
--The American Psychiatric Association is also claiming damages for the devastating effect his capture and possible incarceration will have on their patients, both young and old, many of whom are being treated because they harbor a profound belief in the (until now) assumed fictional man. It is believed this incident will completely devastate the Psychiatry profession. Major pharmaceutical companies have refused to comment, but on Wall St,. stock futures are being carefully watched.

--The Department of Health, Education, and Welfare is awaiting the outcome before lodging any of it's own formal complaints against Mr.Claus.
--As per his attorney's prepared media statement, Mr. Claus is expected to be released on his own recognisance within the next 48 hours, but will be closely monitored come the 24th and 25th of this month (the time when sightings increase in frequency).

--At that time, both local law-enforcement agencies, as well as Homeland Security will determine whether or not to raise the national threat level, based on the data reviewed. The Pentagon has issued a directive for National Guard units as well as ALL military bases to remain at DEFCON 3 through the first week of 2008.

(made 'ya smile)

(6 shopping days until Christmas...get cracking!)