21 August 2008

This Looks Like A Job For...
Yes friends, once again our intrepid defender of clarity takes to the streets searching for those things we take for granted (and many others apparently cannot figure out if their lives depended on them).
One thing that is painfully obvious is the fact that MANY drivers haven't a clue as to what the hell they're doing when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle.
Now I KNOW that doesn't refer to YOU, simply because YOU'RE a GOOD driver (it's everyone ELSE that sucks), am I right?
I know I'm a good driver, and I know my wife's a good driver (maybe not AS good as I am, but men like to be a bit "territorial" where driving is concerned...plus, I've been driving a LOT longer).
But however good you are, you just KNOW that all the bad drivers will want to be ON THE ROAD at the EXACT same time YOU want to be. That would be "Murphy's Rules of the Road #5" (out of 328...and growing).
How you DEAL with these folks is open to interpretation. Many just shrug them off as the total imbeciles they are, others use the middle finger salute, and some go as far as to cut them off, drag them out and shoot their sorry asses.
I don't really recommend the THIRD one (no matter how much the moron DESERVES it), unless there are NO other people around, and you KNOW you can get away with it scott-free.

With that said, it's time for some public service education.


When it comes to getting behind the wheel of ANY vehicle there is ONE thing many people know very little about...and that's the interior immediately in FRONT of them, but more specifically...the DASHBOARD.

You know, that piece of vinyl/plastic/metal that runs across the entire front of the inside of the car, just above the steering wheel. There is a treasure-trove of information located there. Think of it as a freaking Roget's, Websters and Colliers all rolled up in one.
And it's HERE that many people have trouble disseminating all the information found within.
So, I'm here to guide them along.
You may notice all the LETTERS on the illustration. They are there for one reason; namely to educate.
And we'll go through each one, detailing it's function (and possible misuse).
So buckle up (oh wait, that's another post for another time)...sorry.
(A) - This is a REARVIEW mirror.
It is NOT a makeup mirror, dental mirror, or vanity mirror.
It is used for seeing what is BEHIND you (except if you're driving a Ferrari Testarossa, then whatever is behind you is not all that important)
(B) - This is called the WINDSHIELD.
This helps you see the world in front of you and is a damn good bug & bird-crap magnet! And it needs to be kept CLEAN so YOU can see out. And NEVER place window tint there. That is for idiots. Just TRY to see AT NIGHT with 25% tint on there, OK?
(C) - This is the STEERING WHEEL.
This is to be held with the HANDS at all times when driving, preferable with a modicum of CONTROL (and not one's belly or knees). This controls the direction the car will travel (unless you're on ice, then all bets are off and you use the wheel to hang the hell on for dear life while screaming your lungs out).
(D) - This is the INSTRUMENT CLUSTER, which includes the speedometer, fuel gauge, and assorted idiots lights or gauges for temp, oil pressure, amps and the optional tachometer.
These are not to be ignored because when the car coasts to a stop, and the fuel gauge reads "E", because that does NOT mean EXCELLENT (a common SOUTH side problem). The speedometer has a limit on it, and unless you enjoy being pulled over by that guy with the cool flashing lights and mirror sunglasses, your speed should be that of what is posted.
Also, when the "CHK ENG" light comes on, that doesn't mean you have to stop and open the hood to see if it's still there. Trust me, it's there.
(E) - This is called the HORN.
It is used to bring attention to people that they are most likely blocking the way, or causing a problem that is impeding YOUR driving. It is commonly used as a DOORBELL in the "ghetto", and is often referred to AS the GHETTO DOORBELL (among other names). It is also part of a car alarm system, and will most certainly wake the neighbors should it go off. It is primarily a warning device (three honks means the police are near your local drug house), and should be addressed as such.
(F) - This is the SEAT.
It is used to hold your ass in place while driving (unlike Ben Hur who had to STAND the hell UP). It comes with seatbelts to make sure your ass is in place, and should be set in a comfortable position (much like the person you used to date). It is NOT a LA-Z-BOY LOUNGER. It is NOT a BED, or a SOFA, or a LOVESEAT (unless you're in lover's lane or the garage with your significant other). You cannot drive a vehicle safely while LAYING THE HELL DOWN (tell that to those in my neighborhood).
(G) - This is the entertainment center/atmospheric controls for the vehicle cabin.
This is where most other drivers spend all their time (unfortunately WHILE driving). The radio/cassette/CD player is meant to be turned on and NOT fiddled with every moment you're behind the wheel. And it is NOT to be connected to speakers other than those that come with the car, unless you prefer a vehicle that WILL SHAKE ITSELF APART when you screw with things you know nothing about, like acoustics and physics.
The temperature controls are there for YOUR comfort. When it's hot out, you turn on the A/C. When you're cold, you turn on the HEAT. Can't get any simpler than that. And the fan speed controls are NOT there to DRY ONE'S HAIR...period!
(H) - This is the location of the passenger AIRBAG.
This is not a place to rest one's feet, or dry one's toenails. They call you HUMAN for a reason. (It's an evolutionary thing)
(I) - This is the GLOVE BOX.
It's here that you place ANYTHING and EVERYTHING BUT GLOVES (you're probably wearing those). Hopefully, you will have the REGISTRATION and INSURANCE CARD in there when you're pulled over for doing something stupid.
(J) - This is the CENTER CONSOLE.
In here you place all the crap you couldn't possibly fit in the GLOVE BOX (along with the registration and insurance card, right?) but that should never include items such as your stash and/or illegal gun.
(K) - This is the PASSENGER SEAT.
It holds the ass of who is riding with you, and should be secured by the seatbelt provided. This is usually the seat that is occupied by a driver who switches places with that passenger right after they struck a stranger's vehicle and don't want the cops to know they don't have a license (for the past 5 years), no insurance, and are carrying BOTH an illegal weapon AND that 30 grams of crack.
So there you have it...how did YOU score on knowledge of the basics of the interior of your vehicle?
Bet you'll have a whole different view every time you get in now, eh?
And to those that use the interior of their vehicles as an auxiliary office, bedroom, den or whatever...just pull the hell over and get the f$ck out of MY way, kapesh?
That much should be obvious.

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