19 November 2008

Humpday Happenings...
Middle of the week, no politics here today.
But I will acknowledge that TODAY is the anniversary of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.
And you should take a few minutes to reacquaint yourselves with it.
They are STILL powerful words.
We're talking helping the ECONOMY here today.
So buckle up...it's the (stupid-ass) law!
If I were some entrepreneur looking to help the local economy, especially on the SOUTH side of Fort Wayne, there are a few businesses I simply would choose NOT to open, and with good reason.
1) Muffler Shop
Now anywhere else, this would be a slam-dunk, right?
I mean mufflers DO wear out.
Any decent muffler has a lifespan of about 60K-70K miles before the "innards" fail to function as designed (unless acted upon beforehand by road debris such as branches, or the occasional dead body in the street...hey, we ARE talking about the SOUTH side of town).
I say this because there are obviously some limited mental capabilities when it comes to most of the people that happen to drive through my neighborhood. Their muffler doesn't work...it's damn NOISY. Simple as that. And you CAN tell the difference between a "performance" muffler and one that is hanging on with bailing wire and chewing gum.
If you see the people driving these vehicles, it's not hard to understand that they have severe priority issues when it comes to personal safety and public caring. To be honest, they're stone-ass ignorant...period.
Now anyone with half a brain (and has been driving for more than a year) can figure out that a leaking muffler WILL sound louder than one that is working properly. It will leak the gases that are supposed to be directed away from the vehicle.
And where do you suppose those fumes will wind up?
Right....
They will seep into the interior of the vehicle, and we all know that carbon monoxide is a good sleep-inducing agent. Ask anyone that committed suicide by parking in the garage with the engine running...OK, well, maybe we CAN'T ask them, but you get the idea.
Now I'm perfectly fine with these morons in MY area having a leaking muffler system, especially in COLD weather with the windows up. I mean if they doze off and marry their car to a tree...fine by me. That's ONE LESS idiot on my streets. But there is always the concern about collateral damage. I'd hate to see innocent people killed as a result of one dumbass that can't find their ass with both hands, let alone the local muffler shop several blocks away. But it is a good way to cull the herd, as it were.
2) Pizza Shop
When it comes to good pizza...I admit that I'm addicted. Sue me, I'm from Philly (home of some of the best pizza on the planet).
But I would NEVER open a pizza shop down here.
I couldn't afford to get robbed by some ethnics that often, nor could I afford to lose employees due to gunfire.
Case in point: Tasty Pizza on Fairfield St.
They've been robbed again, less than TWO YEARS since the store employee was shot and killed. And to date, I don't recall any arrests being made in connection with that, but if any officers know different, feel free to comment.
I admit to not buying from Tasty Pizza for a few years now, and it's not because they had bad food. Their pizza is pretty damn good. I just feel concern whenever I order a pizza, and the delivery guy has to traverse MY neighborhood to make said delivery. I know the point seems moot, but with one LESS delivery down here, the chances of the driver NOT getting robbed have gone up for him. I don;t like to place people at risk. It's his job, I know, but c'mon...we have perps down here that WAIT for delivery people, even going so far as to give false addresses to beat the delivery guy up and take his money (better to knock off a bank and make some REAL money...oh wait, they ALSO do that here).
3) ANY type of Employment Service
Face it, much of the populace down here are, for the most part, lazier than the day is long. That's why CRIME is so damn high. It's not due to "poverty"...it's due to making that FAST buck, instead of actually WORKING for it.
By the way some of these people dress, as well as the cars they drive with the rims and paint jobs on them, I'd say crime pays...and pretty damn well, too. It's a lot more alluring than punching the old clock, and doing the right thing, isn't it?
But there ARE businesses that DO pretty well down here, and are actually THRIVING...such as:
1) Prostitute
When you've got all day to do nothing, what's more important to any young buck than getting some "trim".
And what better way than to be able to grab the cell, make a call, and have the crackwhores in your area come to you, eh?
And there are puh-lenty of places to "do the nasty", such as abandoned/condemned houses (got way too many of them), the overgrown, trash-strewn alleys, and even the front seat of some minivan parked IN one of those alleys.
You can also classify this as being gainfully "self-employed" (hope they file with the IRS QUARTERLY, as they're SUPPOSED to do...Yeah, I'm still a Treasury Department guy at heart...LOL).
2) Rib/Chicken Joint
Of course, all THAT "work" builds a huge appetite (and food stamps only go SO far), so what's a person to do? Why stop by the local eatery and get yourself a half/rack (and while you're there, you can even ROB the place...two birds with ONE stone, as the case may be).
3) Liquor Store
What how better to wash down those delicious ribs or chicken than with some cheap-ass swill (purchased with the money from the robbery), hmm? And the CHEAPER...the BETTER. Yeah, gimme that pint of BRAND X brandy (the kind that tastes like slightly recycled feline urine with a hint of rotten peaches)...yeah, that's the one. What the hell, you can rob THAT place too. And don't forget to "diss" people by tossing the empty on their lawn, OK? You don't want to lose any "street cred", do you?
4) Drug Dealer
Now with the "starting up" money you've gotten from those robberies, you can got get you some drugs, cut them down, and RESELL THEM.
Hell, you do need to slap some "30s" on that POS of yours anyway, right? And it's not that there ISN'T a market for drugs down here...quite the reverse. And with a little time and a scanner or computer, you can even figure out WHERE the best places to SELL your poison will be (because the police don't patrol there that much).
Like right outside MY FRIGGING HOUSE....between the times of 1500-1800 hrs most ANY weekday (weekends are optional). That's just in case Vice-Narcotics reads this blog...a "free" heads up for you people.
I do have to warn you, though.
I WILL be taking pictures of you and getting license plate numbers from your vehicle as well as your buyer, so I can forward it to the FWPD, in case you were wondering.
5) Used Car Dealer
And the MORE "used"...the better.
As anyone knows...when you're climbing the "corporate" ladder, you simply NEED a set of wheels (and hopefully a car to ride on top of them).
Since you don't give a damn about a bad muffler, better to just "trade out" and get another car, especially at the low prices they can be had down here...some are even freshly stolen. It all depends where you go.
And don't worry about trading in that old clunker...hell, just park it out back of your rental crib. It'll take Neighborhood Code Enforcement AGES to get it removed, so you've got PLENTY of time to trash the house, move (read sneak) out at 2AM, sticking the owner/landlord with thousands in repairs, and find another rental to start all over again.
6) Big Men's Clothing Store
It's not because we have a lot of BIG men...we just have a lot of men that prefer to have ILL-FITTING clothing, and the baggier the better. It makes catching ALL of you when you rob the pizza shop, or the rib joint, or the liquor store a HELLUVA LOT EASIER for the police, so go ahead and "FUBU UP". Knock yourselves out (before the police gladly do it for you).
So you can see, there ARE opportunities down here...for the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons.
And the city LOVES to see businesses grow, don't they?
Pssst...you got too many people NOT paying enough taxes, and too few paying too much taxes...let's even the "playing field", people.
But hey, that's just my opinion.

2 comments:

indy said...

i had read this a few days ago but was too tired to comment. all i can say is how true and how darn funny it is.......lol lmao.

Bob G. said...

Guess is some perverse way, these folks Are sort of "helping" the economy???

B.G.