Well boys & girls, we suffered the weekend, and we're still all pretty much still hanging in there, right?
And we've got some "fun" things to chat about today, not the LEAST of which is Fort Wayne's annual THREE RIVERS FESTIVAL...!
(sound the trumpets and let the pigeons loose)
It's always nice to go downtown an take in ALL the sights and sounds...
You have the MIDWAY (rides galore), JUNK FOOD ALLEY (where you can prove to yourself and the nation that INDIANA is high on the list of overweight residents), the FLEA MARKET (some decent finds there) as well as other attractions for people of EVERY age.
But...what the city DOESN'T want you to know about is "our own festival" (of sorts) down here on the LOWER side (aka the underside or crotch) of Fort Wayne.
And believe you me, if you KNEW about it, you'd be here faster than you could say "cap yo ass"!
I like to call it the:
THREE GHETTO FESTIVAL
...or perhaps you know it better as:
"The Ghettoland Abusement Park & Discount House of Street-Pharmaceuticals".
Whatever you call it (and we've called it a helluva LOT of things over the years), it IS something that will inspire AWE (as in awwww, lookit those poor people in their new Escalades), WONDER (as in I wonder where they get ALL the money for this sh*t when none of them work?) and EXCITEMENT (as in the excitement when one of the locals pops another in the head and the family interferes with the police investigation).
Yessiree, an entertaining time CAN be had, and for a lot LESS than you think (because life down here is a LOT cheaper than a plate of "funnel cake").
*** Now, the FIRST thing you're probably wondering about is:
Not to worry, I've already seen to this.
When you come down HERE, you can pretty much park ANY DAMN PLACE YOU WANT...an alley, a citizen's LAWN...even the living room of a house nearby.
With little to no police patrols (they're up at the TRF, or chasing down some 911 hangups) to speak of, thanks to the eggshells the CHIEF has the officers riding upon, there's no worries.
And just tear off any RED STICKERS that PARKING CONTROL slaps on your windshield...everyone that lives down here already does that, so why buck the trend, hmm?
And did I mention that the parking is FREE?
(never mind the panhandler that staggers up to you that smells like a cross between a urinal and vodka trying to sell you some "jewelry"...he's just there for "laughs")
Now that you've found parking accommodations, you're probably wondering WHAT EXACTLY IS THERE TO DO, Bob?
*** There are SO many things to see, not the least of which is our BEAUTIFUL overgrown FOLIAGE displays.
They are literally EVERYWHERE.
(It's called...an EVICTION NOTICE)
And if you carefully brush aside some of this vast cityscape of vegetation, you might find some free "prizes"...
Such as empty bottles and cans (always good for recycling - they PAY for this sh*t down here), used hypodermics, discarded bags of CRACK (when some perp was hoofing it through there last night), or, if you're REALLY lucky, a VINTAGE automobile carcass (with TAGS)!
How cool is THAT?
But wait, we're barely getting started.
*** If you're a bit more of the "adventurous type", (and who isn't down here?), you can do a "drive-thru" in our very own SAFARILAND...!!!
Imagine yourself in some third world African nation, rolling through lands that smell of adventure and intrigue (and soiled clothing or meth labs)...just be careful to keep you car doors LOCKED, the windows UP and please, under ANY condition...DO NOT FEED THE "ANIMALS"...(our government already takes care of that).
With those few caveats, it's sure to be a great time for kids of ALL ages.
*** Next, we have our "EVENTS", which, unlike the TRF (which ONLY holds them YEARLY), are held almost DAILY around here.
I know, you can FEEL the excitement, right?
-- We have the BEER CAN TOSS (challenging in it's OWN right when you see a police car roll up behind you, and you're sporting an OPEN CONTAINER of brew)
-- The TRF has BED races...but we have the SHOPPING CART RACES (which double as the family vehicle in some households)
(btw, you have to SWIPE your OWN from the Southgate Krogers, as this is the ENTRANCE FEE, but it's OK...
That's all part of the "fun"...not getting caught. Besides, you can dump it anywhere after the event...like, along some white guy's property...)
-- We have an event found nowhere else on earth...called the "RENTAL HOUSE CLUSTERF$CK"
In this event, you try to see HOW MANY CARS you can get AT the house, by taking up ALL the damn parking spaces on a given street.
Extra points are awarded if your house is SMALLER than everyone else's.
Points are deducted if the police are called to your house, though.
-- We have the DEMOLITION DERBY, which is NOT to be confused with parking in the living room of a nearby house, as mentioned above.
(although they appear similar)
Take your vehicle (preferably a STOLEN ONE) and race through the ghettohood with careless abandon, as the police chase your ass. And the best part is, you can bail from the car at ANY time along a non-predetermined route...just be sure NOT to leave any ID behind. (the FWPD will WANT to return it to you).
-- We may not have a FLEA MARKET (the residents usually have plenty of fleas, as do their pets. they also have bed bugs and roaches), but we always have GARAGE SALES with the SAME crap every week (that you would never want to buy) on display.
-- Much like the TRF, that has a music competition, we ALSO have ours...
It's called the SEE HOW LOUD YOU CAN PLAY CRAP UNTIL THE COPS COME TO SHUT YOU UP event.
Otherwise know as "BUG THE NORMALS".
Crank up that ride's sound system to where you can drown out an F-16 ramping up on the tarmac!
Extra points are awarded (to the next of kin) to participants that piss off some guy with a grudge...and a high-powered weapon.
Must be 21 or older to participate.
*** And do we have SECURITY...!
--We have none other than BIG BUBBA JAMAL!
Yeah, HE makes sure the rules are followed...or out you go.
(of course they are the rules of the ghettohood)
But he does come rather cheap...a few crack rocks, and he's happier than a buck with THREE baby-mamas taking care of his lazy ass for a living.
--And we also have the ROAMING NUNS (complete with ROSARY sling weaponry). If THEY can't keep the peace, I don't know WHO can.
(ask any student from CATHOLIC school...they have the swollen knuckles to prove it from all those ruler-lashings)
They also double as a CPR team and COUNSELORS, should you require it after a loved one gets struck by a speeding vehicle for no reason.
--Should things really get out of hand (and they can when THIS much fun is being had by so many), we DO have a few officers that can arrive on scene, and they can direct you to the nearest "safe house" until things quiet back down.
*** we also have our SOUVENIR MERCHANT...such as our very own BALLOON PERSON.
Take home an inflatable filled with your favorite brand of 2ND HAND MARIJUANA SMOKE.
You're not going to find THAT anywhere else, trust me.
(note: Special orders take at least 1 hour)
-- Now, after all these fantastic events, I'm sure you're wondering about FOOD AND DRINK....no problem.
We like to refer to it as: SLUM FOOD ALLEY..which is any damn front yard down here .
There's usually some BBQ grill out front of some rental that's got RIBS & CHICKEN with YOUR name on it.
You just have to be FAST ENOUGH to swipe it and run.
However, if the TRADITONALIST in you screams "purchase the food", there are more convenience stores per square mile than people.
And when checking out of such a store, remember that the ONE INCH THICK ballistic polymer window with the slide tray is for YOUR protection as much as the clerks...!
Beverages can be had most anywhere...some people have open faucets alongside their houses, so bring YOUR water bottle and "fill 'er up"...often.
(it's not YOUR house, anyway, right?)
For those OVER the age, there are also as many LIQUOR STORES as residents per square mile, including Walgreens, CVS, and Krogers!
(hint, if you bring a gun to SOME stores, you might not HAVE to pay...EXCEPT at BELMONT BEVERAGE, where the owner WILL shoot you.)
Hey, it's all part of the excitement though, hmm?
And boy, do we have SALES on cheap-ass beer and malt liquor.
Now, after the food and drink have been consumed, WHERE to dispose of it all.
We got that one COVERED...in spades!
Toss it ANYWHERE (like parking)...no one apparently gives a damn, so why not give BACK to good old Mother Earth and "recycle" by dropping your trash from your hands onto some nicely manicured lawn.
It's all biodegradable anyway (after a thousand years).
You're just getting an "early start" to avoid the rush...perfectly understandable.
Since you've no doubt had one of the BEST days of your life, it's time to head home.
-- But if and when "nature calls"...we've PLENTY of houses, garages and shrubbery for you to seek the relief you're going to need from all the frivolity. Lots of people do that already around here, and THEY DO have actual HOUSES to return to.
-- If you're fortunate, your vehicle will be where you left it...and relatively in ONE PIECE.
Don't fret the side window that was punched out...someone probably wanted to make sure the car didn't get TOO HOT inside, that's all.
If, however, you can't locate your car where you orginally parked it (and this can happen), just dial up the local IMPOUND lot...it's most likely there, just waiting for you. We also have CITILINK buses to get you home (if you enjoy the fragrance of unwashed bodies and curry).
And never fear if language is a barrier, because down HERE, we have over FIFTY different languages spoken (ebonics and flowcabulary notwithstanding). You might find TRADTIONAL ENGLISH a bit hard though, as aside from our household, it seems like not many others KNOW what that is, to speak of (pun intended).
Usually having a GUN pointed at you does speak the UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE anyway, doesn't it?
*** So there you have it, friends...all the fun one could possibly EVER want or need...and SO damn close, too.
You know, there are rumors of EXPANDING our festival down here...to even more "nice" neighborhoods.
Won't THAT be exciting to have that NEXT DOOR or DOWN THE BLOCK from YOU?
I hear in SOME cities, it'a already been happening.
I know...the suspense alone is enough to get the juices flowing (and the decent homeowners fleeing...yet AGAIN).
But hey, when you have something SO GREAT like this, you WANT to share it, and thanks to Section 8 and entitlements...THEY DO.
The best is yet to some...very soon, we will be handing out AWARDS to "THE BEST OF" (in the ghettohood)...stay tuned for THAT.
You're NOT going to be seeing THAT in a local paper or on the media outlets, that's "fo sho"!
Yes, friends, we bring the real news to YOU...so you don't have to go looking for it.
*** Tomorrow, back-to-reality-time again, with some stories from the crotch of our fair city of Fort Wayne.
Swing by here for those...(or not).
Be well, make a difference to someone, and...
Stay SAFE out there, America.