I have to admit that although getting some FREE candy from a total stranger DOES have it's merits, I've never really "taken" to that all too increasingly notable(?) holiday, Hallowe'en. No sooner are the kids back in school, then we find ourselves (us older folk) bombarded with Hallowe'en this and that....like it's our patriotic DUTY to buy a $hitload of cavity-producing treats to GIVE away gratis to anyone that knocks on our doors October 31st.
I can probably count on ONE hand all the times I went trick or treating for Hallowe'en....and I'm OK with that. I really didn't "need" all that sugar in my system (as Mom used to say). Many times, I came down with a cold around the 31st of October, thanks to kids that didn't cover their noses or mouths when they shot microbes (with MY name on them) into the adjacent atmosphere. As I'm getting older (and wiser), I find that some sort of REAL "purpose" ought to be attached with these children that show up for their yearly "freebie" at my door.
And I've gotten together a list of thigns that I feel would make Hallowe'en not only more fun for me, but would be mentally (and physically) more challenging to our youth, and heaven KNOWS they need it.
Rule #1: You show up WITHOUT a costume....you have TWO choices:
a) You can just turn around and LEAVE, or (my favorite) ...
b) Show me you're WORTHY of my candy WITHOUT a costume by jumping through these FLAMING HOOPS I have set up on my lawn, OK? If the folks can't blow TEN bucks to get you SOME kind of costume (and dressing in mom's old clothes brings up gender issues, even though it's FREE), then just spend FIVE bucks for some of your OWN candy (hint - after the 31st, all the holiday candy is 50% off)!
Rule #2: If you're OLDER than say....12 years old, you better either have a DAMN GOOD (original) costume, or you better have the mental state of a 3 year old. Either one will get you treats! Anything else will get you a nice door closed in your face! If you're THAT old...just stop at Handy-dandy and grab a bag of M&Ms for yourself, lazy-ass!
Rule #3: Facepaint ALONE does NOT a costume make....Even SOLDIERS wear a UNIFORM WITH their facepaint, and Indians have horses and head-dresses.....so...NO horse, NO treats, Kimosabi!
Rule #4: If you are coming to my house on Hallowe'en with a BUNCH of friends...be advised, I WILL be "packing" (to dissuade you from a home invasion)!
Rule #5: Don't try taking a "short cut" across MY lawn to cross the street (that barbed wire I have up will do a real number on your legs...trust me)! Better to stay on the sidewalk.
Rule #6: DO NOT show up at the house as a ZOMBIE, LIVING-DEAD person, or some sort of analogous entity. If I EVER want to see the living dead (aside from a George Romero flick), all I have to do is watch MOST of the non-working "neighbors" on welfare that have NO future past the next bottle of malt liquor meander through their pitiful lives. Also...NO ELMOS!
Rule #7: When I ask you to take what you want from the huge bowl of candy, that DOES NOT MEAN grab every damn single piece OF candy.....taking EVERYTHING should NEVER be a choice...it means be SELECTIVE...others might want to drop on by, 'K?
Rule #8: If you don't like what we GIVE (free) to you, don't even think about retaliatory measures....I've already PLANNED for THAT contingent...(heh, heh, heh)...and you might not like the result.
So there you are...MY "Eight Simple Rules" for handling Hallowe'en. I think it's more in the "spirit" of the evening, and if you want to get a slice of what exactly I've been going on about, go watch Garfield's Hallowe'en Adventure (of you can find a copy)....funny thing...they DON'T show it in INDIANA...the HOME of Jim Davis, CREATOR of Garfield...
There is DEFINITELY something wrong with THAT picture...!!!
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